so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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