OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
