Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
