So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
