I think I died a long time ago.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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