she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
