I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
