During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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