: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
