Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
