Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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