Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
