Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
