we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
