You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
