He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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