I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
