his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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