Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
