When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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