Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
