I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
