I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
