bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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