i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Randomize
