I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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