I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
