I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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