Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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