i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
