I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am available for nakedness
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
