Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
