I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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