My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
