Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
