There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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