we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
