Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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