I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
