thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
