haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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