Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Randomize
