So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
