We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
