Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
God, I missed his penis.
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