Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
