I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
