First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
