They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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