My sheets look like a crime scene.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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