He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
